A sense of guilt

It appears every time I see their difficult behavior. I can even explain the situation to myself in various ways, but regardless of the results of the analyses, this small part stays with me. A part of the reason. A part of the non-obvious beginning. Guilt. My fault. The feeling that my children behave this way and not otherwise because of me. They do not behave as I expected. Or they cannot cope with something. My radar of my own irregularities works 24 hours a day and in matters of motherhood it is extremely sensitive.

A sense of guilt.

I could always do better. React better. Anticipate. Respond more tenderly. Or more consistently. Listen. End the subject. Give space. Set clear boundaries. There is always some “better”. Better that bothers me. Better from the past that is no longer achievable to me. But so very real right now. Because it is gone.

A sense of guilt.

It is even harder when someone constantly confirms your guilt. Husband. Wife. Parents. Even a stranger in a store. They have their own opinion, but they don’t express it with care. They don’t connect it with the question: why exactly like this? With understanding. With room for mistakes. Lack of thoughtfulness, tiredness, bad days, short patience, other values. They rather express them in one breath with reproach, which for us, mothers, often becomes a pang of conscience.

A sense of guilt.

“(…) is a set of unpleasant feelings towards oneself, which arise as a result of a negative assessment of one’s own behavior.”

That’s good. To evaluate. To draw conclusions. To leave behind. To improve. To try to improve.

But what if there, in this negative assessment of one’s own behavior, there is no truth? If the sense of guilt is inadequate? What if it is present always, not fully defined and justified. Not anchored in mistake? But anchored in incorrect self-assessment? So not even really related to any specific situation, because the situation is incorrectly judged.

An untrue assessment. Real pain. And a sense of guilt.

But there is a truth that always makes us free. It does not depend on cultural variables. It does not expire. It does not become outdated. It is as broad as the world and specific up to one human situation. When it speaks, it speaks with power. The power of the One who invented you. The truth in His Word.

“Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”” ‭‭John‬ ‭8‬:‭31‬-‭32‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

In the Word, look for yourself carefully. Unchanged by a difficult childhood, toxic relationships, the opinions of others. In the Word that is not wrong about you. In the Person who loves you. Yet uncorrected. Just as you are now. Loved from the beginning. With love like no other person can love. What kind of love is that! In the Person who always tells the truth.

In the Word, also capacious for each of your mistakes. With grace ready, always enough. For forgiveness for yourself and for change. To touch the source of the problem. To deal with it. Not in your own strength. In your own submission.

Mom, don’t blame yourself.

Imperfect world. Imperfect you. And God’s power, which flourishes in these weaknesses.

He is enough.

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