I made the decision that I would never love again. It seemed to me the wisest and safest solution at that time. And it didn’t just apply to a man. It applied to every possible commitment. I decided that I would never give my heart away again. I would not open it to anyone or anything. I would only be halfway there, only outside. In this way, I would spare myself the pain.
I didn’t want to go through this again. Through the mornings when I couldn’t breathe from the loss. Through the short future, which reached no further than tomorrow. Through sudden attacks of despair in someone’s persistent absence. And through the sense of meaninglessness. Empty and long days that didn’t want to end. Through the sense of alienation that permeated my closest relationships, because we were divided by the experience and inexperience of loss.
That was in 2011, when T. died. My fiancé at that time. And it dragged on for another year and a half. I return to this event from time to time to remember well what God did in my life later. And to bring at least one consolation, one lighter breath to someone who is struggling with their loss today.
I made a decision that I would never love again. It seemed to me at the time the wisest and safest solution. In reality, it was based on fear. It was an avoidance. A defensive reaction. An attempt to protect myself. No love, no pain.
But I continued living and allowed God to heal me. Until our meeting at the very beginning of 2014, when he came to me and my meaninglessness and gave me a new future. Until His revelation in me that He heals to the end, that loss can stop hurting.
But neither complete healing nor the absence of pain meant that I was ready to love. When God began to reveal to me more dreams related to reaching people and bringing them His love, it turned out that I could not do it. I could not do it because for the last long months I had been building a wall around my heart that was supposed to protect me. As a result, it closed me off from others and caused bitterness. I could not love because the same wall caused me to not be able to receive God’s love for me, from the overflow of which I can love.
It all begins in the He-us axis. “We love him because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:19 NKJV) Everything for us and for those whom He wants to reach. “Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.” (1 John 4:11 NKJV)
I made a decision that I did not want to overlook His love for me. I don’t want to miss anyone He sends me to. I made the decision to tear down the wall. And I will take the risk of loving and losing again. Loving and hurting.
It’s not easy to soften a heart that has been carefully and consistently battering itself with sarcasm, indifference, disbelief and distance. It takes time and attention. Reaction after reaction. Decision after decision. To the point of changing a habit. To the point of changing a paradigm. In a way and on a certain level, I’m still working on it. On mindfulness and compassion. In a country where the heart hardens from seeing lack and suffering every day. From help rejected or not used as we would expect.
But this is me today. A wife and a mother. I still think it’s crazy to love like that and to bond with people like that. Madness that’s worth entering into, though. But this is me today. I live in Mozambique and I’m here for others. I’m not necessarily comfortable with it myself, but it’s worth it.
I made a decision that I will never love again. I changed my mind.
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