When a thought becomes a conviction

In the beginning it was just a thought. A little detached from my reality. I had just left behind a fairly orderly life. An apartment bought only two years earlier, a job that gave me some stability, family and a lot of people close to me, my Gdansk and my cold sea. I came to Lodz in February 2016 to work in an organization which helps women who are victims of human trafficking. Everything was new – walkways, courtyards, timetables, shops along the way, the view outside my window, the people I was to share my life with and a challenge – to love people so broken by others. All that because of one simple reason – God had told me to go there.

In the middle of all this, a new thought came. I wrote it down for the first time in my calendar on February 14th. Like every thought of that type – burning in my heart and impossible to reach without God – it awaited whether it would take root within me. This is one of the ways I recognize the voice of God. When a thought appears (during prayer, but not necessarily, because you can walk with God all the time), I write it down, carry it with me everywhere, pray about it. My expectation is that it will become a part of me. Either it will put down roots in me or I will forget about it. If the thought stays, I do a simple test, I imagine a life where I have abandoned it. This is my way of checking if I can reject it if it isn’t from God. If it becomes my conviction and I can not go any other way but to live this thought, certainty comes that He Himself put it into my heart.

In the closeness to the Most High the desires of your heart change. When we strive to be only with Him, unity takes place between us and Him. His desires become ours.

I like that the Word of God does what it says. It says to delight yourself in the Lord and He shall give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4). You can treat this verse like a goldfish and make your wishes. But none of those wishes will come true. Because in the closeness to the Most High the desires of your heart change. When we meet Him every day, when we strive to be only with Him, unity takes place between us and Him. His desires become ours. Burning desire is to get to know Christ more and more and the greatest ambition is to reach the lost and those in need. Then He says: we should go THERE and we go without hesitation, because THERE is already our greatest desire. He will not suddenly say you have to do something that totally scares you. Instead, He will work on your heart. He will wait for you. And all of that will happen during your meetings in the secret place, just between Him and you.

God will not suddenly say you have to do something that totally scares you. Instead, He will work on your heart. He will wait for you.

In the beginning it was just a thought. A little detached from my reality. But not from my heart.

February 14th, 2016. “This year I will go on a mission trip to Mozambique*. What does this mean?”

I do not remember the circumstances of how this thought started in me. But I remember well the darkness in my flat and my wide open eyes.There were nights when I suddenly woke up with the feeling that I was falling down, without ground under my feet and with a question: Am I already in Mozambique and is it forever? I remember that I was terrified. I had the feeling that I do not control my life. I tried to rationalize: You do not have to go there, after all, in Poland there are so many needs. You can do what you are doing now. God does not tell everyone to go on missions. Maybe it was not His voice. But the thought would not go away. And then I had a dream.

It was at night and I was sleeping in a room, somewhere in Mozambique. Suddenly, a few children ran into the room and they began pulling me out of my bed and asking me to go with them to pray for someone. They failed to convince me and ran out of the room. I stayed behind with the thought that I am very tired and I can not go with them. And then I heard the voice of God: ‘You have the right to rest, to sleep at night. Night is for sleeping, and you’re tired. You do not have to go with them, but then you will not see how I work.’

When I woke up in the morning, it was clear to me that I would fly there. Not because I have to but because I want to see how God works. With this decision came courage – through the grace of God.That one night did not change my circumstances. I did not become more experienced in the long lonely journeys to another continent, I did not receive a few thousand polish zlotys in my bank account, that I needed to go there. But the restless nights were over. The thought had become a conviction.

When God gives a thought, it will not leave you. When He speaks, it is impossible to deny that He said something. His voice is like a cry that you can not drown, but at the same time it is very gentle and silent. This is certainty which happens within us. You may decide that you will not go. It will not change His love for you. But it will not also change you. Because when He says: go, He is interested in you the most. That’s why the road is always more important than the goal.

God’s voice is like a cry that you can not drown, but at the same time it is very gentle and silent. This is certainty which happens within us.

* A three-week mission trip to the Village of Joy, a centre conducted by Iris Global Ministry (Heidi and Rolland Baker) in Pemba, Mozambique.

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