4/ Power of the cross and to love

Healed and whole after the death of my fiancé, I wanted nothing but God alone. I had the feeling that my whole life, which belonged to me, had burnt up inside me. Which I spun and built on a Christian basis. And that He has grown up in me now. Already without any other desires. As I wanted – He revealed Himself to me and taught me about Himself.

At that time, I met Daniela, a girl to whom all roads led me. Who I would not ask, he was pointing at her. A few years earlier, I was at a conference for women where the problem of modern slavery and human trafficking was discussed. It was the first time I heard about it. The fact that someone cannot decide for themselves while God allows us to decide to live with or without Him, screamed within me of disagreement. Once I was strong after my loss, I looked for ways to help. This is how I found Daniela. And the one e-mail I sent her started the whole new story, which I will tell you about in the next part of my testimony. But it was Daniela who told me about the Bible school in Lodz, when I shared with her the revelations that God was giving me. This is how I heard about Charis Bible College Poland.

I was cautious about whom I allowed to talk about God. I didn’t want to learn something about Him that would only be knowledge, without His truth and power. So when Daniela told me about the school, I approached it with a distance. But I chose to listen to the teaching of Andrew Wommack (the founder of the school) because what Daniela said resonated with what God was saying to me. It was teaching about the balance between grace and faith. After forty minutes, I knew I wanted to go to this school. Regardless of the cost of time and money. A few days later, I sent the application. A few weeks later, I started learning by correspondence.

It was at that time that God gave me a revelation of His righteousness. Until now, I remember how I was getting closer to the coffee machine to make coffee and how I talked with Him about the verse from 2 Corinthians 5:21: “For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.” During the first years of my life with God, I doubted whether I was really saved. Even though I knew then that my salvation did not depend on what I was doing, but on whether or not I had given my life to Jesus, the years spent on the concept of works kept me in bondage. But that day, over the coffee machine, God gave me a revelation that I was righteous. That I am the righteousness of God in Christ. That there is no longer any obstacle between us. And God looks at me through Jesus and like Jesus I am perfect and blameless to Him. Even if it still happens to me to sin, I can leave it and come back to God. With this came the obvious assurance of salvation.

Revelation is when the truth you hear becomes part of you. It no longer comes from outside, but flows from your heart. You don’t repeat it after someone. It is not knowledge. It is your personal experience. Conviction. It is you.

At that time, I also believed God that, together with salvation, He gave us healing. In Isaiah 53: 4-5 we read about Jesus: “Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; Yet we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed.” Some time after my fiancé died, my body began to suffer from long-term stress. Very severe headaches with no medical explanation, high cholesterol with suspected congenital cholesterolemia, not confirmed later, uneven heartbeat and no changes in tests, hypertension. Doctors said – for headache pills when it hurts, for high cholesterol – diet and pills if the diet doesn’t help. Also pills for the heart, to balance the rhythm. Hypertension – will only get worse with age – pills for the rest of your life. I wasn’t thirty then.

It was through one of the teachings of the Charis Bible School that I realized that I didn’t have to continue to be sick at all. That healing is God’s will for us. Just as Jesus provided salvation for us on the cross, so also did He healed us. This truth grew so much in me that I no longer wanted to take hypertension pills. Not because I had to do something crazy to convince God to do a miracle. But because I knew He already took the disease upon Himself and I can be free of it if I believe the Word that says I am well.

That day, when it was time for another hypertension pill, I ordered the hypertension to go away, and the body to obey God’s Word and restore normal blood pressure. I thanked God for healing. I checked the pressure. Too high. I prayed the same way again, already stressed out. I checked the pressure. Even higher. And then I got mad. I was furious that the disease is not subordinated to Jesus. I shouted a similar prayer once more as I ran around the apartment because of the disagreement that had arisen within me. You can imagine how your blood pressure changes after such emotions and movement. I checked it again. It was perfect. This time I was running around the apartment and thanked God for His healing. After an hour I checked again. Perfect. Next day – perfect. A few days later – same. Since then, I have not taken pills for high blood pressure. It tried to come back once during my first year in Mozambique but after consistent prayer it left. 

Each of those diseases had its own story, which I will not tell you here. But each of these stories ended the same. I don’t have severe headaches. I don’t have high cholesterol. I have no uneven heartbeat. Just like I don’t have high blood pressure. And for any of these ailments I have not taken pills for years.

I read that mission book in one afternoon or two. Missions never interested me personally. But they were an interesting story about things impossible with God. What touched me most in the book was simple love. The one who notices, is present, and feeds. Nothing complicated. But it costs you your whole life. It was the book “Always Enough” by Heidi Baker. Curious to see what this ministry does today, I went to the website. I clicked on the tab which said how to get involved in their activities. Short-term missions – maximum three weeks. Harvest School of Missions – three months. Long-term missions – commitment for at least two years. A note at the end: “Because we are serving in underdeveloped countries with unpredictable conditions, Iris Global cannot and does not guarantee your safety, health, or comfort. You will be doing us in trusting God as provider and protector.” What must have been legal protection for them, ignited my thirst. To a life entirely based on trust in God. I remember one more thought: “Who decides on any of these options? Where to get the time and money for it?” And I put the book down.

I went to Mozambique for the first time on short-term missions in 2016. A year later, I graduated from the mission school there. In January 2018, I started my two-year long-term missions. Who decides on any of these options? The one who will follow Jesus, the path he has taken from before. I think so today. But I’ll talk about it later.

At that time, I was starting to feel uncomfortable. Healed of wounds, in love with Jesus, I grew in friendship with God and learned His and His Word. But my heart started to miss something. It desired the change. I was in a place that I didn’t belong to. I didn’t want to spend eight hours working in front of a computer. I wanted to love full time.

That summer 2015, I was going on holiday with two families from the church. I was looking forward to my road trip through Eastern Europe. However, I quickly began to feel that God had a different plan for me. After a short time, I said I couldn’t go. God was taking me on vacation. He said He would teach me about love. I rented a room in a mountain town for a week. I packed all my Bible school notes and some books. This is how I prepared to study. I haven’t read any of them. This was God’s plan for my study.

During this trip, I walked in the mountains, fields and sand roads with God. We talked all the hours I was awake. He did nothing but love me. I did nothing but accept this love. There were times that I wanted to reach for my notes or books. Systematize love. Do something useful, as I thought. But He talked me out of it every time. I was only reading one of Heidi Baker’s daily devotions, if you could call it reading, because every sentence God was pouring out on me with a revelation of His love. And I had to stop.

After a few days, I was beginning to understand our week together in the mountains. I watched as God made room in me for a new thing that is in front of me, but about which He has not told me anything yet. I already knew that the only lesson in love He was giving me was His love for me. The only and sufficient. Because only by being loved by Him, I could love others. With His love. There, in the mountains, my story about loving began. I was ready to go.

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